And compassion. Men cheat because they must, because they need to. This is the male struggle. Need compels us to try again. Because copulation is not in any way about fate. It is not about two individuals destined to meet on some dark night.
It's about random collisions. This is crap. You "need" to eat, breathe, sleep and be sheltered. When it comes to sex, no one "needs" to have it. The earth is fully populated, and monks everywhere can attest: Men's biological sexual "needs" can be overridden. We're not cavemen, we're civilized. Women get their periods at age 13, but we don't "need" to start having kids.
If you "need" to cheat, it's not biological. It's psychological. Because copulation is not in any way about fate. It is not about two individuals destined to meet on some dark night. It's about random collisions. If you cheat, you must believe this much: that fated love is a lie, and monogamous love a deception.
If you cheat, these two sentiments are your guiding light. Doesn't mean you're incapable of love, doesn't mean you don't want what love—or even marriage—can offer. It's just a paradox. You have what you believe, and it is never the lie. You train your sentiment to fit inside the lie. Your rules fit right inside that sentiment. I have no regrets in that moment, because I am naked, or without pants, and I have chosen to be there.
You have to have rules. You should always fuck someone who has as much at risk as you do. The phrase You do not shit where you eat makes more sense once you've fucked someone you work with.
You never say the word love, except in reference to fucking. You don't fuck anyone too young, or schizophrenics. Fuck a famous person and you tell no one. You stay away from the wives of your friends. If you have a girlfriend in a foreign city, you never travel there just for the fucking. These are rules learned the hard way. And there are more. I cheat without reservation. In part this is my age. In part it's a matter of where I cheat. I do not cheat in the city where I live, or even in the region.
This is my rule. At home, I am attentive to the needs of my marriage. It is a kind of test, and men need tests. Fidelity is a test that pits a man against his own instincts, urges him to ignore his opportunities, to muffle any sense of expansion.
Getting married rotates the average guy away from everything he has known about himself up to that point. And some guys pass the test. They do. And I love listening to their shit. Consider the "I love my wife" routine, which certain moralistic nimrods unspool in front of me over cocktails again and again. I never jump in. I do not bite. You don't fight men over stuff like this. I love my wife, too, but it's nobody's business how I deal with that love.
And most of the time, this comes from guys who pop into strip clubs on the way home, jerk off to YouPorn in their offices, or prowl Craigslist looking for a goose in their transgression quota. I don't do any of that. My local life is clean. I am more focused than they are. Stronger and better suited to what is near me—my family, my wife, my job.
In some ways, that's because I don't hesitate to cheat. Those are the guys who never cheat, even if they wish they could. I wish they would shut up about it. Save your stories about how you made sweet love to your wife before you left for the flight to Europe. Don't be a house-proud dipshit. Don't moralize. My happiness and my misery are my own—don't gift wrap some part of yours to compensate. Yes, I know, there are plenty of men who pass that test of fidelity.
Women's Health also reports that the study supported the accepted fact that men more often cheat to satisfy sexual desire, while women do it because they don't think their needs have been satisfied by their significant other. This study isn't exactly surprising, and it backs up previous research. But it does boil down all the complexities of unhappy, non-monogamous relationships into a few phrases. Hopefully, you'll never have to use them yourself.
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